Sausage for One

Of the chicken variety, that is.

The highlight of my week: Sauteing onions, mushrooms, garlic, and chicken apple sausage in olive oil. Adding some diced tomatoes and whole wheat pasta. Eating said meal while watching the Bachelorette. Consuming a pint of blueberries during the rose ceremony. NATE got sent home! Who the fuck is Nate? Was he even on the show?

I digress. That was the highlight of my week. Perhaps that's why IN THE WEAKEST MOMENT OF WEAKNESS I'VE HAD IN MONTHS (okay, days) I JOINED MATCH.COM. Why, God?!?!?!!??!?!? Why?!?!?! I already regret it. Out of sheer, bold confidence in my real-life love life, I quit OkCupid (... and by quit I mean de-activated my account. It's saved and ready should I lose faith in my real-life love finding abilities.) Alas, down the drain goes that confidence. I may not be playing Quickmatch during my lunch break (I refuse to get the Match.com app on my phone, for now...) but I paid $41.99 for this shit! Except, I didn't pay for it. I talked my poor mother into buying it for me. She must be getting sick of my love life too.

So tonight, while watching 16 and Pregnant and feeling pretty good about myself for not being 16 or pregnant, I received yet another blow dealt exclusively by internet dating websites. ONLINE NOW: Aaron, the guy I'm having dinner with this Friday. We met on OkCupid before I de-activated and have now hung out twice. Looks like I'm not the only one double dipping in the world of cyber encounters/relationships/excusestogetdrunkforfreeonweeknights. He's got great eyes and an intriguing, dry sense of humor. I'm not sure if he cares about social justice, but he bought all my drinks and has HBO. At this point, that's grounds for a third date.

Maybe Aaron isn't crazy about me yet. I'm not crazy about him yet either. Jared, my favorite boyfriend last month (law school, Jewish, all-around perfect husband material), broke things off because I was too crazy about him too soon. Whatever, JARED. I'm sorry I thought you were awesome and I figured I would tell you! If he only knew the million texts I DIDN'T send. Hah. I'll show you too much too soon. No, no I won't. His number is now safely deleted from my phone, where it belongs.

Does it only feel like everyone else in the world is in a relationship? Or is it, more likely, true?

Love In The Time Of Internet

One in five relationships now begins online. I've probably heard that three times today. Could that possibly be true? And what are the odds, if I average 2-3 OkCupid dates a week, that I should find myself with a soulmate? Good, I would think! 

Maybe I'm selling myself short. I'm kind of in a few relationships. There's Boyfriend Number One, Mason. Mason went to art school, works in some kind of creative field I only pretend to understand/care about, and is Irish Catholic. Mason is HOT. Mason has tattoos. Mason is a man who knows how to do things (anyone see last week's episode of GIRLS?) However, I find myself yearning for a little bit more. If it wasn't for the roasted duck bread pudding (I KNOW) on our last date, I might have given him the old "my friend just broke up with her boyfriend she really needs me" and left. And then I remember, I already gave Mason that excuse, when I left to hang out with Boyfriend Number Two...

Jared. Boyfriend number two. Fiance number one? I do believe, as I believe nearly once a month, that I have met my future husband. Jared is in his first year of law school. He loves Mad Men. He loves to eat. He loves social justice! Seriously, what kind of man is athletic, cool, AND has his own non-profit geared toward international development? Oh, and did I mention he's Jewish!? The whole package. So far I've played it pretty cool (aside from telling him he's my dream man once when I was drunk. Or twice...) He finishes law school finals tomorrow, so we'll see what the next couple weeks bring (HA! Like I have the patience to wait that long before finding Boyfriend Number Three.)

Over the past few weeks I've been feeling really zen about my two relationships, and about dating in general. Maybe it's my new Total Body Conditioning class. Maybe it's the fact that I've learned how to make popcorn on the stove and the pleasure from this discovery has not warn off. Nevertheless, I can feel my dating angst rearing its ugly, virtual head. I probably spent a cumulative two hours on Quickmatch today. I was watching New Girl at the same time, but still. Not healthy. I almost can't keep the potential new boyfriends straight. In a moment of weakness, I stooped to the ultimate low. I started  INSTANTMESSAGINGSOMEONEFROMJDATE. I shame-ate two spoons of almond butter. Then I finished a bag of white chocolate chips. I don't even like white chocolate. 

When I reach this point, I always think it's time for a break. Or I could make some rules for myself. Like, one boyfriend/week. Or, limit two boyfriends/week. Or I'll just cut myself off carbs for a day or two and go read Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes. That is exactly what I will do. Who needs the internet when I have Christian Grey on my Kindle and a fresh bottle of wine in my kitchen? Is wine a carb?